Apr 25, 2005

He Who Controls the Cheese Controls The Universe

A beginning is a very delicate time. Know then, that it is the year 2005. The known universe is ruled by the Exaulted Emperor Roger K. Deromedi, Of House Kraft. In this time, the most precious substance in the universe is processed cheese. The cheese extends life. The cheese expands consciousness. The cheese is vital to world peace. The Parallel Importers and its Pirates, whom the cheese has corrupted over the last 50 years, use the yellow gooey cheese, which gives them the ability to make enormous profits. That is, the ability to fully exploit the regional markets unhindered and unchallenged with overpriced cheese without any consciousness. Oh, yes. I forgot to tell you. This area of unexploited cheese distribution exists on only one place in the entire world. A hot, humid region with vast jungles. Hidden away within the capital cities and towns of these jungles are a people known as the Asians, who have long held a prophecy that a man would come, a messiah, who would feed them nachos and lead them to true freedom. The region is known as Asia Pacific, also known as Southeast Asia.

Hailing from the Socialist wasteland of France, the Evil House of the Laughing Cow has in recent years completely taken over the distribution of processed cheese here in Southeast Asia. These vile, ruthless and egomaniacal French who have maintained a longstanding vendetta against the Emperor and of House Kraft, have brutalized and oppressed the citizens of Southeast Asia. Sniffling snobs who babble to each other in some gibberish of a dialect unbeknownst to man. They have engaged a small army of Chinese mentats, to do their evil bidding and distribution, victimizing the citizens of Southeast Asia and forcing them to consume small metallic foil covered wedges of processed cheese completely unsuitable for the production of nachos. They maintain control over their enforcers, the Chinese mentats, by keeping them plied with vile intoxicating liquids.

In recent weeks we have placed thumpers over the internet praying for cheese sign and appealing to the Emperor that in his grace he may send in his soldiers to intervene and help us.

Today we have received notice from an envoy of the Emperor, Jonathan Atwood, Director, Corporate Affairs for Southeast Asia that he is aware of the crisis we face here and has given word that he will do what he can to help us in out time of need.

The Cheese Must Flow!!!

Has the Sleeper Awakened? Only time will tell.

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